A Therapist Answers: "What is the *right* decision?"

Many people start therapy by asking us what to do about various decisions they have to make. We can't actually answer that for anyone. That's just not what therapists do. We don't give advice, we don't tell you what to do. We typically don't explicitly weigh in on decisions. What we actually do when these questions come up is to help clients to explore themselves in a way that reveals what the most favourable decision is for them (whether they follow through or not is up to them).

Often times, the decision that SEEMS "right" is influenced by external factors like expectations and “shoulds” and internal factors like fears and anxieties. So, to help you with any decision you may have in front of you, we're sharing a brief guide to decision making.

Consider your values: What do you value, personally? Do you value community? Reliability? Commitment? Freedom? Emotions come and go but our values tend to stay fairly constant throughout the years because values often arise from our personalities, upbringing, and cultural context. Here's an example - if you're trying to decide whether or not to have a difficult or sensitive conversation with someone, consider what values are at play there. Do you value fairness, so owning your part of the situation is important? Do you value flexibility, so not having the conversation and managing the issue some other way is okay? Do you value relationships, so it's important to be thoughtful about how and when to have the conversation to best preserve the connection? 

Consider the consequences: What consequence are you most willing to accept? A decision is not just about your desired outcome because the reality is that every choice has repercussions. For example, if you decide not to attend an event for whatever reason, the host may have a reaction* to that. Are you willing to accept that consequence, or is it more important to you to contribute to the relationship (or the event itself) by going? Assessing what consequence you're most willing to accept is also tied to your values - so if you value community, you're likely to go, while if you value freedom, you may choose not to go.

*We do want to remind you here that, generally speaking, people are allowed to have feelings about and reactions to your choices. A lot of us say we can/can't do something because of someone else, but every adult has autonomy. Emotions are a normal part of being a person. It’s okay if someone is angry or upset with you. You can learn to handle that discomfort. Of course, what's not okay is abusive language or behaviour in response to your choices, so you can remove yourself from conversations that take that turn.

Consider your resources: What do you currently have at your disposal, and what can you access? These include time, money, knowledge, and information. For example, if you decide that you do need to have a difficult conversation, consider when to initiate it in order to leave enough time and space for the conversation to thoughtfully unfold. Consider what reflections you want to go through beforehand so that you can speak clearly and tactfully. Think about how to get yourself emotionally ready so that you can approach the conversation with openness and curiosity.

Remember that when you make the first decision, you can always decide again. You can always make new choices based on new information. Life is not all or nothing! Life is both/and.

If you want personalised support with a decision you're trying to make, schedule an appointment with us at CENTRED. You can call or message us at (876) 281-8601 or email info@centredja.com. We're here for you!